This is what I call the “Path of Despair.” It’s a very real thing.
I spent a lot of time here.
I remember sitting in church, totally unable to focus on anything else as I was collecting my thoughts of why I felt the way I did. Maybe I had some lingering sin I needed to confess? Maybe I was just a really bad person. I didn’t really know. All I knew is that God was perfect and couldn’t make mistakes.
I had been deeply conflicted most of my life. I knew that I was the person I am today, but was very conflicted over the idea that “God does not make mistakes.” I beat myself up over this a lot… how could I feel one way, when knowing that god doesn’t make mistakes? I constantly asked myself if I was being punished for something…? Had I sinned really badly, and this was the punishment I had been given? None of the pieces really added up, but I didn’t have anywhere else to turn. God doesn’t make mistakes, right?
I spent a large part of my adult life hating myself. I was miserable.